So I wrote this play for the Working Title Playwrights poetry slam tonight. I thought it was pretty good. I came in sixth, but I was kinda pulling for third. It happens. It always sucks when your self perception is higher than other perception, but then that’s why pessimism rocks! Yaaay! Anyway, any notes will be greatly appreciated. Keep in mind the piece had to be under 7 minutes, so some of it might be a bit hurried.
Oh! And if you don’t know the story of The Lady or The Tiger, you should probably read this:
http://www.eastoftheweb.com/short-stories/UBooks/LadyTige.shtml
Or at least this:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_lady_or_the_tiger
The Lady or the Bourbon
Scene 1
At a tavern. THE MAN is at the bar. FRANK, the young bartender, is behind the counter. THE MAN is holding an empty glass above his mouth, trying to lick out the last few drops from the glass.
THE MAN
Bar keep. (beat) Bar keep!
Frank
Yessir?
THE MAN
My drink is broken. There seems to be a hole in the top of it and all the liquor has spilled out into my mouth.
Frank
And what would you like me to do about that?
THE MAN
Fix it!
FRANK
Listen man, I gotta be honest with you, I think the best fix for you is a cup of coffee and a nice brisk walk home.
THE MAN
Home? Home? You want me to go HOME? Home, where the only thing bigger than the mess made by 8 children is my wife’s growing behind? If I wanted to go HOME, why would I be here? At least here, the girls get prettier as the hours pass.
Frank
I just think you’ve had enough for tonight.
The Man
What’s your name?
Frank
Frank, sir.
THE MAN
Well, Frank, do you know with whom you speak?
Frank
No sir I can’t say I do.
THE MAN
(scoffs)
Oh. Well. How long have you lived in the court?
Frank
All my life sir.
THE MAN
Oh all your life? And what is that 8 minutes? Hah! Well, nevertheless, I take it you are aware of the Queen.
Frank
The Queen?
THE MAN
Yes the Queen! Married to the King, very rich, lots of power, SUPER HOT.
Frank
Yes, the Queen, I know of her.
THE MAN
Know of her? Psh. I dated her!
Frank
Oh sure you did.
THE MAN
I did! IdidIdidIdid!
Frank
Oh of course, and I’m married to a rhinoceros.
THE MAN
Better a rhinoceros than a shrew. Fine. You want me to prove I dated the Queen?
Frank
That would be mighty impressive.
THE MAN
Alright. (making a come closer gesture with his fingers and whispering) She wears purple garters. (laughs)
Frank
How am I supposed to know that’s true?
THE MAN
Because I saw them! With my own eyes!
Frank
Right, so I’m going to need a little more proof.
THE MAN
Fine then! I’ll tell you about our whole relationship. It’s a very good story. Lots of romance and suspense. You’ll love it. But my story requires one thing from you.
Frank
And what’s that.
THE MAN
(Holding up his glass)
Lubrication
FRANK hesitates, then pours something brown and awful into the glass.
THE MAN
Right, so the princess, as of course the queen was at this time a princess, was passing through court. And I was a spritely youth, hanging out at the court with my buddies, spiking our goats milk with mead, sitting on roof tops in order to look down peasantwomen’s blouses, usual youth stuff. Then the princess comes by, and I realize, I don’t want to just look down her blouse to see her bosoms, I want to see the heart beneath, too! So I hopped down from the roof and our eyes met, and I knew: we were IN LOVE. And I don’t mean the love between a man and a wife, if any such thing exists, no I mean the love between a Princess and a youth. I wouldn’t expect you to understand. You don’t act like a youth, and you’ve certainly never been a princess.
Frank
Not in a long while, sir.
THE MAN
That’s funny! You’re funny! So, then the king finds out, right? And he doesn’t like me at all. Which really, I think I’m quite likeable! Don’t you think I’m quite likeable?
Frank
Quite.
THE MAN
Yes. Well. Things were different then. Back then, it wasn’t the richness of your soul that mattered but the richness of your…riches. Not only that, there was only one rule. The King’s. And there was only one punishment – Lady or Tiger.
Frank
Ah yes, I’ve heard my dad mention that before.
THE MAN
Have you? Have you heard your daddy mention that? Did he sit you down upon his knee and tell you little stories? Well this is no bed time story! This is real life, or real death! One day, you’re out cavorting with the princess, peeking at her purple garters, the next minute, you’re thrown into an arena with hundreds of people desperately hoping you’ll pick the tiger! And do you know why they want you to pick the tiger?
Frank
Because humans gain pleasure from the suffering of others? It’s called Schadenfreude.
THE MAN
Don’t you shout that saxon gibberish at me! No. It’s because they were all so bored. So bored because they have to go home to their boring wives, and their boring children, none of whom are royalty. They live in boring little cottages, with boring cows, that shit out boring manure. And it’s all. so. boring. Their only pleasure is hoping that the nice youth, who’s MADLY IN LOVE, who’s the only fellow in this whole court who actually has a shot at happiness, gets mauled by a vicious jungle cat.
What’s behind door number 2, Pat?
(In a game show announcer voice)
Oh, that would be, untimely death!
Frank
So which one did you pick?
THE MAN
Hold on! You’re getting ahead of my story. So the King decides that he’ll put me to the luck of the Lady or the Tiger. But I figure, I’ve got an in. I’ve got the princess up in balcony, and she knows which door is which. So I’m standing there, in the middle of this giant arena, staring at the two doors. Everyone around me is going “Tiger! Tiger! Tiger!” Then the princess points to the door on the right. So I walk towards that door and I grab the handle and…
(beat)
Frank
And…?
THE MAN
And…
Frank
And…!
THE MAN
And to finish the story, I’m going to need a little something in return.
Frank
Well, obviously you picked the lady, because you’re not in little pieces.
THE MAN
Did I? Or did I get this scar
(the man pulls back the collar of his shirt to reveal a large scar on his neck and chest)
valiently fighting the tiger into submission?
Frank
Well, then you chose tiger.
THE MAN
But wouldn’t you like confirmation?
Frank
I can’t give you anything more, man. The next one’ll kill you.
THE MAN
Fine then. I’ll be going! I leave it to you, dear listener, did the princess send me to Lady?
( girlish giggle)
Or to the tiger? GRRRRR!
The man gets up to leave and walks to the door.
Frank
Wait! You can’t have a story without an ending. That’s just cruel.
Frank pours another glass for THE MAN. THE MAN saunters back to his stool and downs half the drink.
THE MAN
That’s right! So, I’m gripping the handle, and I sort of see my whole life flash before my eyes, and I think about all the peasantwomen’s blouse I never got to look down, and my eyes start to water. So I’m thinking I’m just getting emotional. I mean, it’s a pretty emotional moment. But then all of a sudden!
THE MAN goes rigid.
FRANK
But then…?
(beat)
BUT THEN…?
THE MAN collapses onto the bar.
Frank
(Frank slaps the man and tries to get him to sit up)
Oh no! Oh no man. Don’t you die on me yet. What happened? What happened?!
THE MAN
(Sitting up suddenly)
I sneezed!
FRANK
What?
THE MAN
Then suddenly, I sneezed.
FRANK
Oh for pete’s sake.
THE MAN
No no no, it’s important, you see, because I am allergic to cats. All cats. Even jungle cats. And that’s when I realized…
Frank
She sent you to the tiger.
THE MAN
She sent me to the tiger! KNOWING I was allergic, so not only would I be mauled to death, but I would be sneezing all the way to the grave!
FRANK
That’s cold.
THE MAN
Women! I’d almost think it was romantic that she didn’t want to see me with another woman, but I didn’t see her jumping in front of any tigers. It wasn’t love, that bitch just be crazy!
Frank
I heard dat!
THE MAN
Word. So. I head to the door on the left, and lo and behold, there’s the beautiful maiden, who I got to marry.
Frank
So, happy ending.
THE MAN
Oh sure, at the time. At the time, she was young and beautiful. At the time I didn’t have kids. AT THE TIME, I didn’t realize she had a leech fetish.
Frank
What?
THE MAN
Oh yeah. Because her first boy friend had the plague. Real freaky shit.
Frank
Whoa.
THE MAN
Yeah.
Frank
So where’d you get the scar from?
THE MAN
Oh, ha, funny story. My wife gave me this when she caught me sitting on our roof, watching the maids pass by. Hit me right in the chest with the manure shovel.
Frank
Tough break man.
THE MAN
You know, it really is. There are times, Frank, there are times when I look out over the castle gates and I see the Queen and her husband, who’s a real poof if you ask me, and I see their riches, and their land, and their charmed life and then I hear my kids screaming and yelling at each other, and my wife is out back with explosive diarrhea because of a bit of bad lamb, and I wish…You wanna know what I wish?
Frank
What’s that?
THE MAN
I think to myself, “You know, I wish I’d picked the tiger.”